Seven Years of Conversations
by Anne T.M
Summary: The idea behind this was born of the questions if Chakotay counselled everyone, who would he talk to? In each chapter there will be a conversation between Chakotay and Ayala based on the episode it coincides with. As a precaution the rating is M.
1. Caretaker

Seven Years of Conversations

Caretaker

Ayala watched as his friend, his captain, walked into the cargo bay. He followed Chakotay with his eyes as he made his way to each member of his crew. Sometimes he would speak with them and sometimes he would simply touch their shoulder but whatever he did it seemed to make almost everyone feel better. It had always amazed him that despite the most trying situation Chakotay somehow managed to radiate a sense of calm. But Ayala knew what no one else knew. He was the only one who knew the truth. Although Chakotay was calm on the outside, his insides were in constant turmoil. His heart ached with an emptiness that not even deep friendship or a willing body in bed could ease.

After what looked like a difficult encounter with Seska, Chakotay made his way to the far corner where Ayala sat. Chakotay leaned against the wall and sank down to join his friend on the floor. He tilted his head back against the cool wall and closed his eyes. He took a moment to thank the spirits for escaping certain death yet again. The only problem was that he wasn't sure if the alternative was a better choice.

Ayala heard Chakotay sigh as he rubbed his temples. "Seska?"

Chakotay smirked and answered, "Among other things." Chakotay took one long last breath and opened his eyes. He looked out at his people scattered around the room. Some were sitting and talking while others had reluctantly accepted the blankets and bedrolls and were resting. "How are they really?"

"It's hard to tell. Most of them seem very angry."

Chakotay turned toward Seska who was stewing in the far corner. "Tell me about it."

"What were you two talking about? You didn't seem to enjoy the conversation."

Chakotay once again raised his hands to his head and rubbed his temples. "She was trying to outline for me the plans she and some others had made for taking over the ship."

Ayala shifted to get a better look at her. There was something about her that bothered him. He thought for awhile that it was her closeness with Chakotay but now he was sure it was more than that. She made him uneasy. "Is that what you want to do?"

"Yes…..no….I don't know." Chakotay folded his arms and dropped them along with his head to rest on his knees. A few minutes passed before he spoke again. "She offered me the position of First Officer."

"Holy Shit!" Ayala exclaimed.

Chakotay's head whipped up as he heard his friend's voice carry beyond their corner of the room. "Shh! That is not something I want everyone to know. I'm still sorting through the conversation."

Ayala turned sideways to effectively isolate the both of them from the rest of the crew. "What did she say?"

Chakotay straightened up and wearily rested his head against the wall once again. "She wants the two crews to work together. Voyager lost over one third of its crew and cannot function without replacements. She wants everyone to be given a position according to their area of expertise," Chakotay eyed Ayala, "even security."

Ayala didn't even attempt to hide his surprise.

"And she wants me as her second in command."

"What about Tuvok?"

Chakotay laughed. "In other words, why me?" Ayala smiled sheepishly. "Don't feel bad. I asked the same question. The Captain believes that if the crews are going to blend together it is important that I have a position of authority."

"How will she justify to her crew the fact that they will have to answer to a Maquis rebel?"

"She reminded me that I am extremely qualified for the job. She pointed out my graduation from Starfleet Academy and my expertise in the area of tactics. She is firm in the belief that together we can make this one crew," Chakotay looked directly into the eyes of his longtime friend as he finished his thoughts, "a Starfleet crew."

"Oh." They sat in comfortable silence as each man digested the tumultuous events of the past few days. Finally, Ayala returned to their previous conversation. "Do you trust her?"

"I want to. I desperately want to. I'm tired of living moment to moment, scrounging for food, supplies," he turned to face his friend, "and recruits." Ayala smiled sadly remembering right along with Chakotay all the people they lost in defense of their cause. "But mostly I am tired on being angry."

"Do you think you'll find happiness here?"

"It's not happiness I want. It's peace."

"Okay, do you think you can find peace on a Starfleet vessel?"

Chakotay leaned to his left and looked past his friend. His eyes saw all the people who had depended on him for so long. They are people who lived through atrocities that would have destroyed even the strongest Starfleet officer. Maybe it was time they all sought peace. "Yes, I think we all can. The hard part will be convincing everyone that it is the right thing to do." He returned his back to the wall and closed his eyes. Ayala did the same. Neither man would sleep but they both knew they needed rest. In a beleaguered voice Chakotay asked his trusted friend one last question. "Are you with me?"

"Always."

Chakotay smiled a genuine smile for the first time in days as his mind drifted away. Maybe sleep was a good idea after all.


	2. Parallax

Seven Years of Conversations

Parallax

**Early in the day**…

"What do you mean she broke his nose?" Ayala asked as he and Chakotay headed for the turbo lift.

"She hit Carey in the face and broke his nose. The Doctor said if she had hit him a little harder he would be dead."

"Why did she do it?"

"I don't know. I was just heading to her quarters when I called you."

"Good luck with that conversation. Maybe you should wear your boxing head gear."

"Not funny!"

Ayala looked at his friend for any sign of amusement. Usually, even in the worst of situations Chakotay would find some relief when he made a wise remark, but not today. "Since **you** called **me** I assume you need me to do something."

The doors opened and the two men stepped inside. "I need you to do some damage control. The rumors are already running rampant. On my way to meet you I was already informed that all Maquis will be confined to quarters when not on duty."

"Seska."

"Along with Dalby. What I need you to do is try and keep things quiet."

"That won't be easy."

"I know, but I need you to placate people, keep them calm."

"You know what this is really about. Don't you?"

"Yes." He turned and looked his friend in the eye. "I don't need this to turn into a 'when are we going to take over the ship' movement. Understand?"

Ayala shook his head in agreement.

"That has already been suggested to me and I threaten them with mutiny charges. Feel free to spread that around"

Ayala understood. "So I should concentrate on the more volatile members of our former group."

"That would be a good start. Computer, locate Ensign Seska"

_Ensign Seska is in Engingeering._

"Damn, this day just keeps getting worse!" Chakotay muttered.

Ayala ordered the turbo lift to make a stop before its programmed destination. When the doors opened to the engine room Ayala assured Chakotay that he would do his best.

"I know you will. Inform me of anything you think I should know."

"I'll call you with the details when the plans to break B'Elanna out of the Brig are finalized." As he stepped out, he turned to see the smallest of smirks appear on his friend's troubled face.

Later in the day…

After asking the Captain's permission, Chakotay headed down to Engineering on the guise of checking for progress. What he really wanted was to talk to Ayala.

When the door opened, Chakotay moved immediately toward the corner, where B'Elanna and Joe Carey were huddled over a computer terminal. "Any progress, Lt. Carey?"

Carey looked up in surprise. "Yes, Sir. The beam should be on line within the hour."

B'Elanna stared at her former captain as he discussed the matter with her rival. When it was clear that he would not ask her opinion she turned in a huff and moved to the panel on the far wall.

"Let the Captain know as soon as you are ready."

"Yes, Sir."

Carey stood at attention facing Chakotay rather than joining B'Elanna. Just as his temper began to rise he realized the problem. "Carry on."

"Thank you, sir."

With everyone's attention focused on the system on the far side of Engineering Chakotay was able to talk to Ayala in relative privacy. "Anything?"

"Not really. When I first got here, Seska was trying to spread some rumors but when I mention the word mutiny, she quieted down."

"Good work. Anybody's feelings stopping them from working together."

"Not here. In fact the mood lightened considerably when B'Elanna returned. Since she IS here, I assume things went well."

"You assume wrong. First she threw something at me and then she yelled at me. That was when I told her to bond with Carey or else."

"She does seem to be trying."

Chakotay ran his hand through his short hair. "Then I guess it was worth it."

"Worth what?"

"Getting challenged once again by Tuvok. He wanted to handle it himself as head of security. His solution was to throw her in the Brig pending trial."

"You've got to be kidding me!"

"No, I'm not. I made it clear to him that I would handle it my way and ordered him to stand down."

"I'm sure that went over well."

"About as well as my contacting B'Elanna and asking her for a solution went over with the Captain. She called me into her Ready Room and chewed me out for over stepping my bounds."

"Isn't that you job?"

"Apparently not. Then she questioned my allegiance."

"So the Maquis aren't the only one with mutiny on their minds."

"Her arrogance almost makes me want to try it."

"No, it doesn't."

"I said almost." He patted his friend on the shoulder. "I need to get back to the bridge. Keep me informed."

"Will do."

Late in the evening…

Chakotay ran into Ayala just as he was about to enter his quarters. It had been a long trying day but in the end it turned out well.

"I just came down to check on you. I wanted to make sure you still had your ass after all the chewing out you got today."

Chakotay laughed. "It's still there and as big as ever."

"Don't complain. It's one of the reasons all the women want you."

"You want to come in?"

"No, I'm off to bed." Ayala was walking down the hall when he called over his shoulder, "I know your happy she's Chief Engineer but you look a little stupid standing there grinning."

Chakotay entered his code and he couldn't keep himself from grinning when he thought of the way she stumbled almost imperceptivity when he asked, _If things had turned out different, and we had been on the Liberty, would you have served under me?_


	3. Time and Again

Seven Years of Conversations

This goes against the actual ending of the episode where everything returned to normal as if the whole episode hadn't occurred. This assumes that the world was saved but that the crew returned to the ship knowing full well what had transpired. It always bothered me that all those events could occur, just as they did in The Year of Hell, and then poof it disappeared. It's kind of like Bobby Ewing's dream on Dallas that invalidated an entire season. So I chose to ignore canon and probably will again in future episodes.

Time and Again

Chakotay, along with the rest of the crew returned to their ship as the fracture in time closed. He had quickly been cleared for duty and returned to the bridge. It was long past the end of his shift but he wanted to make sure everything was in place before he relinquished command. Tuvok would be released from sickbay at any moment and he would return to the bridge for Beta shift. The Captain and Mr. Paris would be kept for observation for a few more hours. The Captain hadn't liked the idea but the Doctor insisted.

Chakotay sat in his chair and called for a report from each station. Despite the fact that he was the senior officer on the bridge, and thus the acting captain, he remained in his chair rather than taking hers. Each station reported in and all was as it should be. Just as he received that final piece of information the turbo lift doors opened and Tuvok walked out along with Ayala's replacement. After turning over the bridge to his own former first officer, Chakotay and Ayala left to get some dinner.

"So, how did it feel to be the captain again?"

The two men had returned to Chakotay's quarters where they replicated something to eat. "I didn't like it."

Ayala laughed. "I can't imagine why. You did such a good job at it. You blew up an entire planet and in the process you killed off our best pilot and a Starfleet captain. All in all I can't imagine why you didn't enjoy yourself."

Chakotay had to laugh. Ayala always had a way of cutting through the bullshit and moving to heart of the things. "I guess that would not look too good on my resume. Would it?"

"No, but don't think for a minute there weren't people rooting for you to take permanent possession of that seat."

"I don't want that seat"

Ayala leaned over and helped himself to another plate of pasta. "I know you don't, but many people want you to have it."

"They should realize that things would be much worse if something happened to Captain Janeway. The Fleeters would never listen to me without her backing me up." After taking another bite of the soft noodles and vegetables that sat in front of him he added, "In fact, some don't want to listen to me now."

"Tuvok."

Chakotay nodded in agreement.

"Was he confrontational on the mission?"

"No, nothing so obvious. He just questioned every move I made. When Kes told me that she could feel the Captain I decided to go ahead and try to retrieve them."

"And Tuvok disagreed."

"I think he believed it was foolish of me to trust what he would consider an emotional response. There was no logic in my actions." Chakotay wiped his face with his napkin and threw it down onto the table. "But currently I trust emotion more than logic."

Ayala picked up the dishes and headed for the recycler. "And Kes more than Tuvok."

"That too."

Ayala returned with the tea they usually drank after dinner. It was a ritual that they enjoyed when time allowed. One thing was certain; since they arrived on Voyager they had been drinking a lot more tea. "If you think about it, he always questioned your actions when we were on the Liberty. It is the job of the second in command."

"I know. But now that I know he was a spy, it just pisses me off."

"That's understandable." Ayala took one more sip before he changed the subject. "I notice that you never sit in the captain's chair. Is there a reason for that?"

Chakotay shrugged. "There probably is some deep seeded psychological reason that I would be loathe to understand but I don't sit in it because it's her chair."

"Her chair?"

"Janeway's."

"I knew who you meant. It just seems strange. When you were on other ships did you sit in the captain's chair when you were in charge?"

"Of course."

Ayala laughed.

"What?"

"Definitely some deep seeded psychological reason. I'm sure with some probing I could figure it out for you. Is it because she's a woman?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Is it because you're afraid of her?"

"Yeah, that's it. You guessed my deep dark secret. I am afraid of petite woman who weighs more than a hundred pounds less than me. You're so insightful. You should be ship's counselor."

"Is it because she's beautiful?"

Chakotay's head shot up from where it had been resting. "Are you crazy? She is not the least bit beautiful! First of all she is too short and way too thin. Her smile is crooked. And what's with that voice? It's like she spends the night drinking whiskey to get that low gravelly tone. And what's with her eyes? They're not blue, they're not green, and they're not gray. What the hell color are they? If you call that beautiful then so be it."

Ayala stared at him in stunned silence until it hit him. "Oh my god! You're attracted to her."

"You're crazy! Weren't you listening to me?"

Ayala shook his head in dismay. "I heard every word you said. And what I heard was, 'I want to do the Captain'"

"What are you sixteen? 'I want to do the captain.'"

"Forgive me. Let me rephrase that. You want to fuck the Captain!"

Chakotay griped the side of the chair and stared at his friend. "I don't want to fuck anyone, much less the Captain. I have no interest in getting involved with anyone. All I need to do is glance at Seska and I remember the trouble getting involved with a crew member can bring. Looking at her is as good as taking a cold shower."

Ayala leaned back in his chair and scrutinized his friend. He wanted to believe him but he knew better. The tension between Chakotay and Janeway when she stood between him and Paris was tangible. It would either be love or hate and quite frankly they could afford neither. "Be careful my friend. Something tells me that she could be very dangerous when it comes to the heart."

"I thought we were talking about sex not love."

"Unfortunately, with you they always go hand in hand."


	4. Phage

Seven Years of Conversations

Phage

The Captain and Commander Chakotay had just left sickbay.

"Commander would you like to accompany me on my nightly tour of the ship?"

Chakotay feigned surprise. "I didn't know you did a nightly tour of the ship"

The Captain laughed. "May I make a suggestion, Commander?"

"Of course."

"Never play poker. You don't bluff very well."

Chakotay couldn't help but smile. Of course he knew that she walked the ship every night. In fact he knew almost every move she made. What he didn't know was that she knew that he knew. "I'll take that under advisement."

Just as he finished speaking they rounded the corner heading away from sickbay and the Captain ran directly into Lt. Ayala. Ayala staggered back as the Captain began to fall. Chakotay quickly grabbed her around the waist and started to settle her back on her feet. Before he let go the Captain turned and looked into his eyes. For just a moment time seemed to stop. Finally she felt him release her and she directed her attention to her crewman. "I apologize, Lieutenant. I wasn't looking where I was going."

"No, ma'am. It was my fault. I was rushing and was not paying attention."

The Captain made a pretense of brushing off her uniform as she collected herself. "I hope you are going somewhere good."

"I am. I am going to the holodeck." He'd caught the exchange between the two commanding officers as Chakotay grabbed her. So he couldn't resist stirring the pot. "And you ma'am? Are off to some place good?"

Chakotay wasn't sure how Ayala did it but he stood there with a face that was as innocent as a newborn baby. What Chakotay wouldn't give to punch him! Instead, he thought of the different duty assignments that his friend would be getting in the near future.

"As a matter a fact I am. I am off to my cabin to read a good book." She watched her second in command to see if his face would betray her. He did not so much as blink. Maybe he wouldn't be too bad at poker after all. "Commander, I think I can find my way back by myself. Perhaps Mr. Ayala would enjoy some company." The Captain directed her next comment at Ayala. "Unless of course you are meeting someone."

"The more the merrier."

The Captain brushed past them and proceeded down the hall to continue her nightly inspection. "Well, goodnight then."

"She's not going to read," Ayala said as he headed off in the opposite direction.

"And you're not headed to the holodeck."

"No, I'm not. I was on my way to sickbay to check on Neelix and Kes."

"Why?"

Ayala smiled sheepishly. "I lost a bet."

"To who?"

"Paris. As a result I have to go find out how Kes is and report back to him in his quarters."

"I'll save you the trip. I just left there a few minutes age and they are both resting comfortably. The Doctor informed me that Kes should be released in the morning."

"Good. I'll head back and let him know. You want to walk with me?"

Chakotay shrugged and continued down toward the turbo lift with his friend. "Paris is in trouble with this one."

"What do you mean?"

"The woman just gave Neelix her lung. Does Paris actually believe he has a chance with her?"

Ayala chuckled. "He is just cocky enough to believe he does." The doors to the lift opened and they both went inside. "What a way to go, having your lungs stolen. That has to be up there on the list of ways not to die." Ayala shook his head.

"Did you every think about how you're going to die?" Chakotay asked.

"Before the Maquis I thought I would probably die of heart disease like my father and his father. But once the fighting started I just assumed I would either be vaporized or blown up. At that point it didn't really matter." The doors opened and they started the long walk to Tom Paris' quarters.

"I never really thought about how. I was just sure it was going to happen soon." Chakotay's tone was devoid of emotion. It was the sound of man who had faced death repeatedly and knew each escape moved the odds further against him.

"I was sure I was going to die one night."

"When was that?"

"I was the night we were caught in the crossfire on the Trialla homeworld. I was trapped in the factory that we'd been pillaging when all hell broke lose."

Chakotay searched his mind. "I don't remember that."

"You weren't there. You were on supply run."

"Obviously you survived. What did you do?"

Ayala started to smirk.

Chakotay was intrigued. "What?"

"I had sex."

Now it was Chakotay's turn to smirk. "How was it?"

"It was great. Intense, passionate, desperate…and quick. You know what I mean."

"No. I don't."

"You mean you never had 'I think I am going to die sex'?"

"No. Unfortunately when I found myself in those kinds of positions I was either alone or with someone like Tuvok."

Ayala shook his head trying to clear his mind. "Thanks for that image."

"If you don't mind my asking, who was it?"

"Ensign Rexman."

Chakotay was a little surprised. "So after that you ended up on the Liberty together and now here?"

Ayala nodded.

"Anything since then?"

"No. It was what it was, a moment of desperation, an affirmation of life if you will. Anyway, I am married man. At least I think I still am."

"Do you think she gave up on you already?"

"I think she gave up on me a long time ago. When you spend your days and nights fighting the world it doesn't leave much time to be a husband." Ayala seemed to shrink a little as he spoke.

"She knew what you were doing was important."

"Was it, Chakotay? Was it more important than being a husband and a father?"

"Only you can answer that. I've never been a husband and will likely never be a father. The only thing I knew I was, was a son, and that made it the only important thing for me." At that moment they reached their destination. "It was different then. We all make decisions in life that lead us places. Sometimes we have control over what happens and sometimes the fates take over and lead somewhere we never imagined."

"Like Voyager?"

"Like Voyager." Chakotay put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Maybe our future is here. In fact I'm sure that without this ship we probably wouldn't have a future at all. The only question that remains is what we will make of this opportunity." Ayala remained quiet. Chakotay slapped him on the back. "I know what I'm going to make of it right now. I'm going to make a profit. Place a little wager for me in Mr. Paris' new endeavor. Bet 25 rations, in your name, that nothing will develop between a certain helmsman and the woman lying in sickbay."

"Why in my name?"

"Because as first officer if I were to know about this enterprise it would be my duty to shut it down and inform the Captain and then I would be deprived of the pleasure of taking Mr. Paris to the proverbial cleaners."

Ayala couldn't help but smile. "And when you win I expect a share of the winnings."

"Absolutely!" Ayala rang the chime on Paris' door and Chakotay turned the corner and headed toward engineering. If he timed it correctly he could catch up with her just after she finished checking the warp core.


	5. The Cloud

Seven Years of ConversationsThe Cloud

Chakotay and Ayala stood in line in the new messhall to get their dinner. After Neelix had filled each man's tray with a heaping pile of the evening special they walked to the far side of the room and settled into a table. Chakotay looked around the room and saw that it was about half full. A few people ate alone, one being the Captain. Most people ate in various groups. Although the amount of people differed from table to table, one thing remained constant, Maquis ate with Maquis and Starfleet ate with Starfleet. It didn't seem that the blending of the crew extended to meal time.

"Do you notice anything about the room?"

Ayala looked around nonchalantly at the crewmen scattered throughout the room. "Not really."

"Look closer. Look where everyone is sitting."

This time Ayala took his time and scanned each table carefully. "I still don't know what you mean."

Chakotay couldn't believe Ayala couldn't see it. "Look at who the people are sitting with. They're segregated. Can't you see that?"

"Of course I can see that! But when you asked me if I noticed anything I was looking for something unusual."

"You don't think it's unusual that the crew remains separated?"

Ayala took a drink of water before he answered. "No, I don't. Not everyone is as comfortable as you are in the company of Starfleet personnel."

Chakotay looked up sharply. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Relax. It doesn't mean anything more than what I said." Ayala stopped talking as a young female ensign walked by their table and greeted Chakotay. "All I meant was that you have had the required training. It was easy for you to fall into the Starfleet way. It is not so easy for the rest of us. We're struggling to find our way, to prove ourselves if you will."

Chakotay leaned back in his chair and relaxed just a little. "That's almost exactly what she said."

"Who?"

"The Captain. When we fought about B'Elanna she told me exactly the same thing. She informed me in no uncertain terms that the Maquis would have to earn their way."

"And you were surprised by that?"

"I don't know if I was surprised. I was just mad. B'Elanna had just broken Carey's nose, the result of which was Tuvok challenging my authority and then there she was telling me that she would give me a position of authority but no one else. It wasn't a good day."

"But in the end it worked out and this will too. We all know that we have things to learn about the way things work so that we fit in better here. A few people are bothered by it but not enough that it matters. We will blend in at some point. It will just take time. We've only been together for six weeks."

"In the Maquis we bonded in six days."

Ayala laughed a little too loudly and noticed many of the heads turned in their direction. Some eyed him curiously while others smiled. "Do you want to go back to that existence?" He paused and eyed his friend carefully. "Are your memories clouding already?"

"No, I remember." Another female crew member walked by and greeted the Commander.

"Well it seems that some things never change."

Chakotay eyed him disgustedly. "Shut up." Ayala jumped up just as Chakotay issued his command. "Sit down you idiot. Don't get indignant! I just told you to shut up."

Chakotay also jumped up as a new voice entered the conversation. "With friends like that, Lt. Ayala…

"Captain, I didn't see you there," Chakotay stammered.

Kathryn chuckled. "I think that's obvious, Commander. Please gentlemen sit down."

As Ayala sat he asked her to join them. She agreed and took the seat beside Chakotay.

Ayala noticed the change in Chakotay's demeanor the minute she sat down. To most people it would have been imperceptible but after so many years in close quarters, Ayala knew every nuance of his former captain's body language. Ayala thought back to an evening a few weeks ago when he'd teased Chakotay about his attraction to the Captain. He'd just been trying to playfully irritate his friend but maybe he was closer to the mark than he'd thought. "Captain…"

Her eyes left Chakotay and focused on the man sitting across from her. At the same time Chakotay subtly glared at his friend, cautioning him with his eyes to watch what he said. Ayala's eyes danced with mirth as he continued. "I can't help but notice that you're not eating?"

"Thank you for your concern, Lieutenant, but I already ate." A small smile crept across her lips. "Or should I say, I tried to eat." Chakotay cocked his head sideways and raised his eyebrows. Kathryn held up her hand and stopped his impending speech. "Don't worry Commander; Neelix has already graciously pointed out the need for the Captain to set the example of saving rations. So you can count on me to be here for all…," she paused as this morning's coffee substitute flashed before her eyes, "well for most meals."

Chakotay had turned almost exclusively toward her as she spoke. "I wasn't worried about you setting an example. I was worried about you not eating."

Ayala watched as the Captain swayed just a little closer to Chakotay and gently placed her hand on his forearm which was resting between them on the table. "You know what they say; you can never be too thin."

"You're already too thin." She blanched a little at his harsh words and began to pull her hand away. Chakotay's expression softened a little as he grabbed her hand for just a second. "It's obvious from the past few weeks that The Delta Quadrant will be filled with challenging days and nights. All of the crew needs to be in tip top shape," he gently squeezed her hand and added, "including the captain." Chakotay could see immediately that she was suddenly uneasy. He didn't know why she felt that way but he set out to alleviate it immediately. He swung around in his chair and picked up his glass of water. Before bringing to his lips he added one final quip, "Besides you wouldn't want me to have to force feed you in front of the crew. Would you?"

Anger flashed in her eyes for a second until she saw his dimples emerge. She quickly joined in as she realized the comment for the joke that it was. The Captain turned her attention to the two trays in front of the men. "I see that you two have no objection to the food." She looked directly at Ayala. "What's your secret?"

He should have just sidestepped the question with a witty remark but on the heels of the situation he and Chakotay had just been discussing, and the memories they evoked, he couldn't help but answer truthfully. "When you spend year after year on the run wondering when and if you would get to eat that day, a regular meal is a well received luxury, no matter how unique it may be."

Chakotay shot his friend a glare. "Ayala that was un…" but the Captain stopped him by once again touching his arm. "That's all right Commander." Then she focused her attention solely on Ayala. "I apologize for complaining. I didn't realize the insensitivity of my comments."

"No Captain, I should apologize. Chakotay and I had been talking about some things and some bad memories rose to the surface. I didn't mean to be so blunt."

She graced him with a radiant smile. "Rest assured Lieutenant, I much prefer blunt to subterfuge. I guess I'm just a little shocked. I didn't realize how bad the situation had gotten." She quickly glanced in Chakotay's direction. "I guess the information I received was not as accurate as I was led to believe." She paused for a moment before she continued. "If you don't mind my asking, how bad was it?"

Chakotay broke in, "Captain I don't th…"

"Really Commander, I would like to know, that is if the Lieutenant doesn't mind talking about it." Through the corner of her eye Kathryn saw an almost imperceptible nod of the head by Chakotay which she assumed gave Ayala his permission to continue.

"When we were at our home base, assuming it hadn't been discovered, things were much better. When we were there, there was usually food, water and blankets; and most nights if we were lucky there were friends to share them with."

Kathryn prodded him to continue. "And when you were not there?"

"When we weren't there things were much different. Food was a luxury. Most of our time was spent raiding Cardassian outposts or attempting to stop one of their planned attacks. We often went days with little more than a ration bar to see us through."

"That's a very tough existence."

"Yes, it was. Almost every day found some of us running for our lives. In times like that food didn't seem very important."

"That's understandable," Kathryn remarked as Chakotay just sat back and let Ayala describe the hardships that they both had endured.

"I remember one instance when the mission went terribly wrong and I found myself stranded on a planet that the Cardassians had captured. My mission partner and I were trapped in an ammunitions factory. We were hiding there for almost five days before we were rescued. Throughout that time we survived with no food or water and very little sleep." Ayala was looking down at his lap as he spoke. "I was sure I was going to die."

Kathryn leaned forward caught up in his story. "What did you do?"

Ayala looked up and smiled at Chakotay who was shaking his head because he knew what was coming. "I had sex."

Kathryn leaned back in her chair and laughed. "Ah, a little I think I'm going to die sex, always interesting."

Chakotay and Ayala both blinked in surprise. Ayala knew he shouldn't but he just couldn't stop the words that flowed out. "Do you speak from experience, Captain?"

Kathryn continued to chuckle. "No, gentlemen I don't." They both noticed the instant change in her facial expression. Her eyes clouded and her color drained. "No, the last time I thought I was going to die I was alone trapped in a cage." She looked away in an attempt to quell the memory but added softly, "You're not the only one with reason to hate the Cardassians." She felt Chakotay's leg settle against hers under the table. A deep breath and the warmth of his contact helped her regain her balance. "Well considering all that, I can see why the Maquis would find Neelix's cuisine appealing."

Glad for the change in direction Ayala added, "Yes, there is a great comfort in knowing you have a warm place to sleep and a pleasant place to eat. Once that reality has set in, I think it will be much easier for everyone to open up and interact with the new people we've met."

"So besides providing food for the body, this new messhall will provide a place to meet with friends and feed the soul." Kathryn stood as she finished her thought, "It'll be good for morale to have a social meeting place for everyone."

Chakotay stood also. "Yes, we can't expect everyone to frequent Sandrines."

Ayala picked up his tray and followed them to the front of the messhall. "Sandrines?"

"A little place Paris created on the holodeck. We were there playing pool last night."

As they entered the hallway the Captain issued an invitation to Ayala who walked in front of them. "Why don't you join us tonight, Lieutenant?"

Chakotay added, "Yes, why don't you? Maybe you can teach the Captain a thing or two about pool?" Chakotay winked at the Captain as he spoke.

"Thank you Captain, I think I will." He turned and looked at Chakotay over his shoulder. "It's been a long time since I've given someone a pool lesson."

Kathryn winked back at Chakotay. "I look forward to it."

They walked toward the end of the corridor that led to each of their quarters. "Until tonight then, Captain."

They watched as Ayala turned to the left. When he was out of sight they turned right and walked until they reached her door. "That wasn't very nice, Commander." She turned to face him as her back rested on the wall that separated her door from his.

Chakotay put his hand on the wall above her head. "It may not have been nice but it'll sure be fun tonight when you trounce him." Kathryn smirked and turned toward her door. Maybe she would be able to find a way to be both Captain and Kathryn with her crew. Just as she was about to enter her quarters she heard Chakotay call her.

"And Captain, make sure you procure your own stick before you play him. I have no intention of letting you use my stick to beat another man."


	6. The Eye of the Needle Part 1

Seven Years of Conversations

The Eye of the Needle

When he walked into the holodeck he was greeted with the sight of Chakotay in a boxing ring. Usually this was a good sight. Ayala knew that when Chakotay was frustrated or upset he went boxing. The problem this time was that he'd been boxing for two and a half hours. His entire body was dripping with sweat and despite the safety protocols inherent in the holodeck, his face was slightly swollen. "Computer, delete all holo-characters."

Chakotay spun around and shouted at no one in particular. "HEY! What the hell?" After a second his eyes focused in on the man who had just deleted his opponent.

Ayala walked to the ring and climbed between the ropes. He grabbed his friend by the shoulders and directed him to the chair in the corner of the ring. "I think two and a half hours is enough don't you?" Ayala bent down and lifted the bucket up under Chakotay's chin.

The Commander spit out his mouthpiece along with some blood and saliva. "No."

Ayala took the towel from the ropes and started to wipe off his friend's neck and back. "Who the hell were you beating the heck out of?"

Chakotay swiped the towel, wiped his head and face and tried to dry his hair despite that fact that he still wore his boxing gloves. "My first instructor from the Academy."

When his friend was finished Ayala lifted the water bottle and squirted some into Chakotay's mouth. "What's the significance in that?"

"There is none. I always use his image when I want to pummel someone." Ayala had moved in front of him so Chakotay put his arms out and turned his wrists up. "When I started at the Academy he busted my balls and made me run laps over and over. So now I beat him up and it makes me feel better."

Ayala started unlacing the left glove. "Does it usually take this long to beat him into submission or is there something else going on here?"

Chakotay sat in silence until both of his gloves were removed. He stood up and lifted the top ropes and motioned for Ayala to leave the ring. "There's more." The two men were almost to the spot where the door would appear when Chakotay ordered the computer to save the program.

Neither man spoke again until they reached Chakotay's quarters. Chakotay went straight into the bathroom and Ayala sat on the couch and waited while his friend took a shower. A few minutes after the water stopped Chakotay walked out with a towel around his waist and a towel in his hand which was once again drying his wet hair. Before he sat down he went to the replicator and got them each a drink. Once he handed Ayala the glass he flopped into the chair across from the couch where Ayala sat. After a long drink of water and few more rubs of his head he final revealed what was bothering him. "I feel like a traitor."

Ayala was a little taken aback. "Why? Did you do something against Starfleet regulations?"

Chakotay waved his hand dismissively. "No, it's nothing like that."

Ayala leaned forward as his body tensed. "Are you planning to do something?"

They both understood the implication of the question. He was asking if he was planning to take the ship. "God no!"

Ayala sat back and relaxed. He fervently agreed with something Chakotay had told him during a previous conversation. Things would be much worse without Captain Janeway. Although he would serve Chakotay in any capacity, he didn't relish the idea of a mutiny. In a very short time he'd gotten used to the stability of his new life. "What is it then?"

In a very quiet voice Chakotay told him. "I don't want to go back."

"And how does that make you a traitor?"

"It doesn't make me a traitor. It makes me feel like one."

"Did you do anything to destabilize the wormhole?"

"Of course not!"

"Did you do anything to prevent the communication between Voyager and the Alpha Quadrant?"

"You know I wouldn't do that."

"Did you do something to make the Romulan die before he could deliver our messages?"

"Don't be ridiculous!"

"So basically what you're telling me is that you feel like a traitor because despite the fact that you have no reason to return to the Alpha Quadrant, in fact despite the fact that you have every reason not to return, you did your job and followed all orders?" Ayala looked over at Chakotay who had yet to relax despite his prodding. "Does that about sum it up?"

"You know, if I wanted to talk to Tuvok I would've gone to him not you."

Ayala laughed at his friend. "You didn't come to me. I came to you."

Ayala's laughter only irritated Chakotay more. "And you can leave at any time."

"Don't be an ass."

Chakotay slumped forward and rested his elbows on his knees. After a few deep breaths he admitted that he couldn't help feeling like a liar. "All the while people were rushing around trying to find a way around every obstacle, hell even B'Elanna was coming up with solutions; there I was hoping that they would fail. Harry was so excited when he found it. Then the Captain joined in and suddenly everyone was energized and focused on the goal and my mind was screaming no."

"Why does that make you feel like a liar? Anyone who took a moment to think about it would know that none a Maquis would want to go back. It's easy to understand Harry's enthusiasm. Of course he wants to get back. He has a family and a fiancé back there."

"So does the Captain."

Ayala's head shot up in surprise. "She's engaged?" Chakotay nodded his head. 'Wow, I'm surprised. I took her more for a career woman. He must be some guy."

"Yes. He must be. What about you? Do you want to go back?"

"I'll admit when Harry first announced it, I thought about my kids and got excited. Then I thought about them visiting me in prison and I prayed that the wormhole would close and I don't feel like a traitor."

"It may not make sense but since I found out about Tuvok I've obsessed on all the conversations we had. I keep analyzing every word he said and I wonder how many times he lied to me while pretending to be my first officer. I don't want to that."

Suddenly it became clear. This was about his integrity as far as the Captain was concerned. "You didn't lie to her."

"A lie of omission is still a lie."

"So then tell her."

Chakotay smirked. "What should I do? Call her and tell her, by the way even though I am acting as your first officer my goal is the polar opposite of yours but I promise I won't do any thing to sabotage the mission. I think she'll buy that."

Ayala countered. "I think she will. She knows what your life was like then and I'm sure she knows what will happen to you when we return. Chakotay, she's not stupid. She'll understand."

"I don't know."

"You can either talk to her and get it off your chest or you can live with this feeling every time the subject of home comes up. The choice is yours."

Chakotay absorbed his words. Slowly he stood up and went into his bedroom. He came back holding his communicator. He laid it on the table and looked up at his friend who nodded. With renewed determination he called the Captain. "Captain if you have a few moments I would like to speak to about something important."

"Of course, Commander. Where are you now?"

"I'm in my quarters."

"Would you like me to come there?"

Ayala smothered a chuckle as Chakotay answered. "That would be fine."

"I'll finish up here. I'll be there in say fifteen minutes."

"Thank you, Captain."

Ayala stood up. "Now that wasn't so hard was it?"

Chakotay also stood as Ayala headed for the door. "That was the easy part."

"It will be fine. But…" Ayala reached out and snatched the towel from Chakotay's waist before he triggered the door. He turned to see his commanding officer naked in the middle of the room. "…You might want to get dressed before she comes." Just before the door shut he added, "or maybe not."


	7. The Eye of the Needle Part 2

Seven Years of Conversation

The Eye of the Needle Part II

Chakotay called out to allow the Captain to enter his quarters. He watched as she cautiously stepped into his private domain for the first time. She stopped just inside the door and eyed her surroundings. Usually, in situations like this, he would make a small joke to alleviate the tension but he was so tense himself that nothing came to mind. Instead he invited her to sit in the exact spot Ayala had vacated not twenty minutes earlier. He offered her a drink and noticed not for the first time that she chose coffee, black.

After a few sips and a few moments of uncomfortable silence Kathryn finally spoke. "Chakotay," she saw him flinch when she said his name, "what is it you wanted to talk about? Is there something wrong?" She waited. She watched him struggle to say something but each time he started he stopped short. "Has something happened with the Maquis?"

He didn't pick up his head which hung so low his chin was almost on his chest. "No." He shifted in his seat and once again tried to remember why this was a good idea.

"Is it the ship?" She had no idea what was bothering him but she had patience and would fish until she found it.

"No."

"Is it…

He took a deep breath, picked up his head and interrupted his captain. "It's me."

The hairs on the back of her neck stood on edge. There were already enough problems between the two crews she didn't need trouble with her first officer. She leaned a little closer until her knees hit the table that divided them. "You, Chakotay?" She knew he was carrying a tremendous burden, much heavier than hers. She was a Starfleet Captain while he was a Maquis Captain forced into the role of Starfleet First Officer. It was a very thin line he walked. He felt responsible to his crew. He wanted to protect them and fight for their chance to excel on Voyager but at the same time he had to assume the mantel of second in command on a Starfleet vessel. Even though he never complained, she knew this often made for some very bad days. Just as she absolutely knew she could never do this without him.

"I'm having trouble dealing with what happened today."

This admission was not what she expected. This wasn't a problem; this was normal. It reflected how everyone on the ship was feeling. Kathryn relaxed a little. "Chakotay, you're not feeling anything that I myself am not feeling. I allowed myself to get so excited and then in a second it was gone. Then I thought that at least our messages would be delivered and our families would know that we were alive but that too was stolen from us." She reached across the table and patted his knee. "It was a very emotional couple of days. It's only natural to feel disconcerted."

"I am feeling disconcerted but not for the reasons that you think. I don't feel cheated by what happened and I was not excited so there was no sudden swing of emotion. I don't want to go back to the Alpha Quadrant."

"Of course you don't."

Chakotay's head shot up. "What do you mean, of course I don't?"

"I mean of course you don't want to return. Why would you? Right now you're a wanted criminal and your prospects seemed limited to jail or a life on the run. I would be crazy to expect you to desire that rather than freedom and a warm bed."

He shook his head in amazement. "You knew all along how I felt."

Kathryn shook her head yes.

"Then why did you ask me to help B'Elanna when she was trying to expand the wormhole."

"Because I knew you'd do your duty." Kathryn reached out a lifted the coffee pot. "May I?" Chakotay nodded his consent. After a long sip she continued. "It never crossed my mind not to trust you."

Chakotay cocked an eyebrow and grinned as he spoke. "Never?"

Kathryn grinned right back at him. "Okay maybe for a second but it passed quickly."

Chakotay settled back into his chair. "It makes me feel like a traitor."

"A traitor?" Kathryn was stunned by his choice of words. "Why, did you do anything to destabilize the wormhole?"

"No."

"Did you some how kill the Romulan in some feat of miraculous time travel?"

"No!" Chakotay couldn't help but laugh.

"Kathryn stood up and put her hands on her hips. "Are you laughing at me?"

Chakotay immediately stood and stepped around the couch. "No, of course not. I was laughing because you practically repeated the questions Ayala asked me word for word."

"He's a smart man."

Chakotay shuffled his feet. "It's just that after finding out that I was lied to constantly by a supposed member of my Liberty crew, I suddenly place a much greater value on truthfulness and today I felt like a liar."

Kathryn moved just enough so that she could place her hand on his arm. "Chakotay we have a very long journey ahead of us. As exciting as the possibility of the wormhole was, the scientist in me knows that the odds of finding a short cut are astronomical. We're going to be working side by side for a long time to come and I'm sure that there'll be many times you disagree with me or at the very least you feel differently than I do about something. When that happens," she paused and smiled up at him, "and knowing my stubborn streak I know it will, I only need one thing from you."

"What's that?"

"I need you to promise me that you'll be honest and direct with me. I'm counting on you for that."

"I think I can do that."

Kathryn offered her hand for a handshake. "Deal."

Chakotay engulfed her delicate hand in his. "Deal."

As they stood there, not quite shaking hands but not quite letting go Kathryn added, "Of course I would prefer you tell me in private rather than in front of the crew. After all, I wouldn't want to have to yell at you in front of Tom."

Chakotay gave her hand a gentle squeeze and released it. "No, I wouldn't want that."

Kathryn moved away and headed toward the door. "And Chakotay, disagreeing with me and still doing your duty doesn't make you a liar. It makes you a good first officer."


End file.
